On Second Thought, Let's Not Do Lunch

BY JIM YOAKUM   

writer bio

I have a theory. It’s not a scientific theory or even a proven theory (if it were then, well, it would be a fact and not a theory) and my theory is this: at any given time, on any given day, there are only seven people in the world actually doing something. The rest? They’re having lunch; endlessly discussing the idea of maybe doing something, or else smoking weed and going “Hey, wouldn’t it be cool  if…” Seven people. A Gang of Seven if you will.

Of course, there’s nothing at all wrong with discussing a project over a sandwich, but there’s a sure-fire way to tell if the people you’re with are really serious about doing something or are just members of the lunch bunch. It’s called the follow-through. This will not come as news to any seasoned veterans out there, but to those just starting out I say sure, have a lunch meeting, hell, have a coffee even, and go in with the best of intentions and full in the belief that the meeting is going to result in positive results (you never know), then… chill. Do nothing but wait. Wait for the next couple of days, see if anybody actually sends you that file they promised they would, or that email address, or that script, or that… whatever. If they do then that’s a good sign that they are serious. If they don’t then, well all I can say is, I hope you ordered the lobster. I can’t tell you how many “creative lunches” I’ve been to over the decades to discuss a film project, a book or a show - but I can tell you this: I’ve put on more pounds than projects. 

I recall back in the go-go 80’s, back when people had more money than God, there was this guy who wanted to create an amusement park based totally on music. I don’t remember all the details of the project (except that there was going to be a roller-coaster called the Rock ‘ n’ Roller Coaster, lame I know but I blame it on the drugs) but I do remember the endless lunches. Now a music-themed amusement park isn’t an awful idea, as awful ideas go, but after six months of eating lunch (I mean “discussing the project”) I began to notice that nothing was happening. No contracts signed, no ground broken, no nothing – and it took me a while to realize that nothing was ever supposed to come of it. It was only a way to appear to be productive without actually ever having to do any work (and I’m fairly certain the lunches were on S.E.T.: Someone Else’s Tab).  Thirty years later and not much has changed.

The business we’re in is very difficult. It’s full of wannabes, could-a-been’s, users, abusers, posers, hipsters, lunchers, time-wasters, vipers and vampires – but remember: also out there, somewhere, are the Gang of Seven. My advice to those of you who have a great script, a great song, a talent for acting, singing or dancing (or whatever) is simple: skip lunch and stay hungry. The people out there who accomplish something don’t have the time to “do lunch”; they’re too busy actually doing things.

THE TOP 10 THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT DO IF YOU ARE A FAKE PRODUCER AND YOU ARE TRYING TO SLEEP WITH ME

BY DANI FAITH LEONARD    

writer bio

#10 – Don’t “Drop the Hanks.”  Why would you claim that you are working with Tom Hanks?  I know you’re not working with Tom Hanks.  If you were, you definitely wouldn’t be spending your Friday nights hitting on 21-year-old girls at Brother Jimmy’s.

#9 – Don’t lie about your age when you meet me if you have a profile on Classmates.com.  I’m clearly going to go home and google you like any intelligent woman would do.  If one google search can tell me the year that you graduated high school, don’t tell me that you are 36 if you are really 46.  Lying is creepy.

#8 – Lay off the cheesy cologne.  If I want to drown in a cheesy fragrance I will walk into Abercrombie & Fitch.

#7 – Don’t try to drug me and if you do, make sure the roofie completely dissolves in my drink before I come back from the ladies room.  If I find it, my discovery will only be followed by awkward conversation.

#6 – Don’t cyber-stalk my friends to get to me.  If you choose to do so against my advice, please don’t post pictures of the following: your chest hair, your package in a speedo, your mail-order-bride, your 17 cats, etc.

#5 – Expensive gifts are creepy if you are a stranger.  Please don’t offer to buy me fur coats (I don’t wear fur), jewelry, or boobs (that really happened).

#4 – Don’t have too many “slashes” on your business card.  How many producer/director/actor/writer/game-show host/comedian/bodybuilder/inventors do you know?  None, jackass.  How would you have time to work with Mr. Hanks? (See #10)

#3 – Don’t make a film about hot, topless zombies roaming the streets of NYC and ask me to play the lead zombie (for no pay, of course)...unless your last name is Tarantino.

#2 – The same thing goes for topless vampires, topless werewolves, topless witches, etc.

#1 – Don’t try to implement your casting couch if your couch is in your parents’ house in Jersey.

A Note From the Founders

What an exciting time to be an artist.

In this tough economic climate of limited budgets, creativity is key. We live in the greatest city in the world filled with more creative people per capita than anywhere else. The NYC independent film community is vibrant and thriving.

We recognized the need for an online independent film presence that reflects our fresh and excited tone, is visually interesting, and contains all of the resources artists need to create films in NYC, as well as a forum for them to promote their completed work. Most of all, we want people to make films in the city that we love. All of these things have led us to launch BigVisionEmptyWallet.com.

We are thrilled that we are finally able to launch after months of hard work. More than anything, we want you to be invloved! If you would like to contribute to Big Vision Empty Wallet (in any capacity) or have a suggestion for how we can better help you promote your work, email us!

We hope to see you at our launch party tonight!

Alex Cirillo & Dani Faith Leonard, founders/creative directors