Hollywood Uncut

BY ANDREA CIRILLO   

writer bio

Let's start with the big question: what does Hollywood want?

What do you need to know in order to sell that screenplay, to find the right agent, to connect with the perfect producer/director/actor?  How can you find out the covert handshake, the secret password, or crack the code that will be the catalyst to make it big?  Who’s hiding Hollywood’s Holy Grail and how the hell do you find it?

It's true that Hollywood's bigwigs may have one idea on Monday and another on Tuesday; and even another idea altogether after the weekend's box office numbers drop.  And that's not even taking into account the endless round of musical chairs among said bigwigs, which inevitably produces more tempo changes than Pamela Anderson on "Dancing with the Stars."  You might be tempted, then, to ignore the power-brokers altogether.  Why listen to them if you're only going to get whiplash in the process?  There are some people, a handful, or maybe a thimbleful, who can do just that.  Ignore those self-proclaimed arbiters of taste who think they have your future in their buffed and polished hands!  But you'd better have the goods to back it up along with a thick skin and a nest-egg in the bank just in case.

More likely you need to work it out the old fashioned way.  You need to find out what they know.  Learn everything there is about the world you've chosen to inhabit, know who the players are, what the success stories are and what big-assed failures are standing between you and your dreams.  There may be no free lunch, as the saying goes, but Hollywood isn't tricky.  If "How to Train Your Dragon" works, they want more movies like that.  If "The Marriage Ref" can't pick up a bigger share, they won't want more shows of that genre.  You think you're better than Jerry Seinfeld?  You can succeed where he couldn't?  I applaud your self-confidence, but good luck with that.

Okay, that being said, there will always be the exception that proves the rule.  If you are really, really amazing or really, really lucky (preferably both) you can fly in the face of history and make it work and the world will applaud you and bow at your feet.  But you have to be brutally honest with yourself.  Are you the Susan Boyle of cinema?  If not, let's assume you'll benefit by playing by the rules.

Once you have a good handle on the basics, then it's time to let your instincts take over.  Now you can be the artist your inner voice whispers to you about when you're lying in your bed alone at night.  This is assuming you have actual talent in addition to your drive to succeed. The goal is for everything you've learned to reside in your brain so that it will inform your creative process naturally.  It will be the sieve through which your choices and ideas flow.  Your instincts will be making it happen while your head, which has already done its part, goes along for the ride; but doesn't drive the bus.  If you try to allow your head to take over, if you over-think, you're looking for trouble and you're going to drive right off the road into a bottomless ravine where you'll die, tragically, before you ever get your big break.  

So start by doing the boring stuff, the homework you hate now just as much as when you were in high school, and be totally prepared so you can make the most of your chances.  Let's face it.  The stakes are higher today than when you were worried about passing your chem midterm or acing U.S. Gov.

To give you a hand with that homework, this column will periodically bring you news from the front lines.  It will by no means tell you all you need to know; that would be promising the proverbial free lunch which we've already admitted doesn't exist.  But it will help you navigate the high-powered hills of Hollywood and the gold-dusted gridlock of Gotham, bringing you closer to your goals, one thoughtful step at a time.