THE TOP 10 REASONS WHY THE 3D CRAZE CREEPS ME OUT

BY DANI FAITH LEONARD

writer bio

Earlier this week, Roger Ebert wrote a great article for Newsweek about why he hates 3D (  In the article, he lays out nine points explaining why it’s a bad thing that Hollywood is making 3D a way of life.

I don’t hate 3D.  I loved Avatar and I thought the 3D enhanced the viewer’s experience and the beauty of the film.  Other films, not so much.  Perhaps the most annoying thing about 3D movies is the surcharge!

While I don’t hate 3D, I certainly don’t love it.  Like most Hollywood trends that are raking in money, it is definitely here to stay and will soon be everywhere.  Will everyone have 3D TVs?  Will every film be available in 3D?

Here are the Top 10 reasons why the 3D craze creeps me out:

#10 – There will be a never-ending prevalence of shitty action flicks.  Every studio will scramble to make a Clash-of-the-Transformer-Hulk-Zilla (starring Megan Fox).  Just because things look pretty doesn’t mean an audience will accept a poor excuse for a plot.

#9 – Nobody looks attractive in 3D glasses.  Nobody!

#8 – Who knows the side effects of 3D glasses?  People who type too much develop carpal tunnel and people who text too much develop “texting thumb.”  Will people who 3D a lot get glasses nose?  Or facial tunnel?

#7 – Nobody will be able to drink at the movies ever again for fear of severe vertigo.  College students will no longer be sneaking Sambuca in their Diet Coke.  (Shout out to my college friend Chase!)

#6 – Everybody will upgrade to 3D TVs and they’ll start to rework old TV re-runs that were previously 2D.  Few people will mind 3D Pamela Anderson, but I don’t need a close-up of the Hoff’s chest hair and man boobies (moobies).

#5 – Will we have to spend money on designer 3D glasses?  If all of the cool kids are wearing Louis Vuitton monogrammed frames you can’t be walking around with the $5 ones from the movies.

#4 – Every DVD will be re-released in 3D.  Everyone knows there’s no need for Sophie’s Choice in 3D, but if there’s money to be made…

#3 – Some TV programming just can’t be in 3D.  Have you ever watched TLC?  How would you like "half-man/half-tree" in your bedroom or the “woman with half a body” sliding out on her skateboard from under your bed?

#2 – Fox “News” Channel in 3D.  The only thing scarier than Glenn Beck is Glenn Beck in 3D.

#1 – The inevitability of 3D porn.  Do you want to see Ron Jeremy in 3D?