IT'S CLOBBERING TIME // A FILM REVIEW OF "FANTASTIC FOUR"
Wednesday, August 12, 2015 at 4:23PM | tagged Fantastic Four, Jack Kirby, Jamie Bell, Jeremy Slater, Josh Trank, Kate Mara, Marvel Comics, Marvel Studios, Michael B Jordan, Miles Teller, Simon Kinberg, Stan Lee | in Film Reviews, Reviews by Mateo Moreno 
First thing first: The new reboot of Marvel's FANTASTIC FOUR is not nearly as bad as all of the articles popping up everywhere would have you think. Now, that's not to say it's a good film, or even really an enjoyable one. There are fragments of a more substantial, evenly made film sprinkled throughout. There are hints of an interesting plot. But this is most definitely a Frankenstein film, pieced together from this version and that version. You can feel the moments where it spiraled out of control, where the studio took over and started making it more generic. This past Saturday, director Josh Trank himself tweeted his displeasure of the film, saying there was a much more "interesting" film in the can a year ago. He quickly deleted it, and then 20th Century Fox, to paraphrase an iconic phrase, clobbered him. They revealed the fractured set life, rebuilding multiple sets, how the studio was unhappy, diva like behavior from the director himself, and that he was essentially fired from the film. So there is now two threads of thought: That the studio had been protecting Trank up until now and finally had enough, revealing what a screw up he apparently was. Or Trank did indeed have his vision wrestled away from him, and that there was a better film somewhere buried underneath. Or maybe there's a third train of thought: there was never a good version of this film and it was destined to be worse that laughably bad, something the last two films definitely were. It was destined to be substantially mediocre. (WARNING: SNARK AHEAD)
Miles Teller plays Reed Richards, a genius from grade school and up. When he, along with help from his buddy Ben Grimm (Jamie Bell), create an interdimensional portal, the teacher running the fare (his science teacher from grade school played by Dan Castellaneta, i.e. Homer Simpson because apparently there is only one teacher from Grade School to High School) who's running disqualifies them for resorting to "magic tricks." Perhaps he didn't see where something disappeared and then rea-frickin-ppeared before their eyes. Or maybe he's just a dick. Or a terrible science teacher. Or blind. Or all three. Disqualified they may be, but Dr. Franklin Storm (Reg E Cathey) of the Baxter Foundation witnesses it, along with his daughter Sue Storm (Kate Mara) and gives Reed a scholarship. And he gives Ben...well, nothing. Not even a participation ribbon. Oh well. At least he has his dick of a brother to go home to, who apparently is the person who first said, "It's Clobbering Time" while beating the shit out of Ben (Face. To. Palm.).
After that we go into a lot of scientific work. A LOT OF IT. In a dark building with nothing interesting to look at. In fact, we rarely leave this building for the rest of the film, except to go to a badly CGI'd world. Eventually, Reed and Sue team up with the former Baxter Foundation student, the now extremely sullen Victor Von Doom (Toby Kebbell, who gets his soon to be name when Sue says to him, "Look at Doctor Doom over here..." Uggghhhh) and her brother Johnny Storm (Michael B. Jordan) to do a little interdimensional travel - TO THE NEGATIVE ZONE. Reed brings his buddy Ben along, because he needs someone to become The Thing he trusts him and wants his oldest friend by his side. Sue Storm decides to stay behind, because she's a girl, and the boys go do what boys do best: screw stuff up. The trip goes horribly bad and Reed, Johnny, and Ben return highly affected by their trip. Victor doesn't make it back but spends the next year remembering how much he hates his old kind-of-but-not-really "friends." And since Sue is sitting at the computer when they get back, a blast hits her and affects her too. Um, okay. Now Reed can bend himself to crazy lengths (literally), Johnny can turn into a living Human Torch, Sue can become Invisible and send energy bursts, and Ben is disfigured as a living rock-man. Everyone deals with this differently, but none as bad as Reed, who gets the hell out of dodge and leaves his friends behind. Classic Reed. He’ll never learn.
We then cut to a year later or so and Sue, Johnny, and Ben are now The Invisible Woman, The Human Torch, and The Thing (though I don't think they're ever called by their monikers). They work for the government now and have been honing their skills for the past year. Victor returns from that shitty ass CGI'd world he got stuck in and is crazy psycho now (at least he's finally emitting emotions). He wants to destroy the world. So Reed returns (we find out he's been trying to find a way to rescue Ben all this time. I would have suggested to, you know, go back to the building that you left him in, but that's just me) and the four of them go after him as a team for the first time. Speaking of first time, the final act of the film is really the first time we see "Action" in this film. That's right, this is an Action film largely without any Action. You know that awesome scene in the trailer with The Thing dropping from a plane in the sky and landing down below to kick ass? Yeah that's not in the movie anymore. Actually, A LOT of things aren't in the movie anymore that once were, and you feel it. There's been reports of reshoots, rewriting, and lots of backstage drama ever since it went into production, and it's all very visible once you see the film. Early on, Marvel Comics distanced themselves from the project, discontinuing their FF comic, stopping productions on all toys, and in the recent comic book "Punisher #14" they even had a sequence where they blow up actors starring in a FF movie who looked A LOT like this cast (seriously, they did. It's hilarious. Google it)". Scenes jump wildly through various styles and what starts as a character piece quickly loses all forms of character development in favor of... nothing much. Certainly not more action. Until the very end where a third act from an entirely different, action packed, badly written and badly CGI'd Fantastic Four appears. Teller's facial hair appears and disappears from scene to scene, Mara's hair goes from different shades to different styles to obvious wigs, Ben disappears from most of the movie, Johnny has ZERO of his famous "snark" from the comics (as you can tell, I'm a fan of snark in the right moment), and there is almost zero chemistry between anyone. Doom is suddenly Magneto and Professor X (he can basically do anything except have a cool looking costume). And not a trace of anyone actually having fun.
I don't blame the actors. Well, most of them. Toby Kebbell is literally the WORST Doctor Doom choice ever. You could have cast Toby Keith and it probably would have turned out better. He has no danger to his characterization at all and is more of a mawkish dickhead than a fearsome villain. But Teller, Mara, Jordan, and Bell are all very good actors, and you can see them trying to swim as fast as their feet can paddle, but to no use. So who's to blame for the mess that now represents this reboot? Many other websites and magazines have commented on things that were cut and reshot, which starts to explain what might have happened (There's a great view of several of them HERE, courtesy of ScreenCrush). However, unless Trank is allowed to recut HIS vision of the film, we may never really know how much was on him and how much was the studio takeover. And let's be honest; he's NEVER going to be able to do that. Ah, well, at least Doom didn't turn out to be Victor Domashev, a blogger, as Toby Kebbell mentioned in an interview early on and immediately got flamed by the entirety of the Internet. And The Human Torch and The Thing do look pretty dope. Now, the only thing that remains crystal clear is this: FOX has now had three attempts to make this franchise happen, and they've failed three times. They're done. They won't be making another solo adventure or their "kind of in the works" Fantastic Four VS X-Men movie. The rights to these characters need to go back to Marvel Studios ASAP, back into hands that can lovingly make the "correct version" of the FF. Probably not in a solo movie, but perhaps in co-starring roles or cameos (Infinity War anyone?) or in a Netflix series, where they can take their time and flesh out Marvel's first family. And recast Doom. They'll probably recast everyone, but don't forget to recast Doom.
Also, recast Doom.
MATEO'S GRADE: D+
Based on the comics created by Stan Lee & Jack Kirby Written by Jeremy Slater, Simon Kinberg, & Josh Trank Directed by Josh Trank Starring: Miles Teller, Kate Mara, Michael B. Jordan, Jamie Bell, Toby Kebbell, Reg E. Cathey, Tim Blake Nelson Now Showing in Theatres Nationwide
MATEO MORENO recently won a bet on who could hold their breath the longest underwater. He won the bet, having beat local loudmouth Jimmy "Thunderbird" Thomas with a record breaking "fourteen minutes." True, part of that time was him unconscious and the other part was him being revived, but he still counts it, and is now $20 richer. Take THAT Thunderbird! He currently lives in Brooklyn, New York.
